Hoovering is a manipulative tactic, named after the Hoover vacuum, where a person (often with narcissistic traits) tries to "suck" a former partner or friend back into a relationship using charm, guilt, or false promises of change, often right when the victim starts healing, to regain control and fulfill their need for attention. It can manifest as seemingly innocent texts, grand gestures, or emotional pleas (like faking illness) to draw the person back into the toxic dynamic.
What it looks like:
- Sudden contact: Unexpected texts, calls, emails, or social media messages.
- Appeals to emotion: Expressing deep regret, love, or claiming personal crises (e.g., suicidal thoughts, illness).
- Promises: Vowing to change, promising therapy, or making grand romantic gestures.
- Appearing benign: Starting with simple "hey" messages or birthday wishes before escalating.
Why it's done:
- Control: To maintain power and influence over the other person.
- Narcissistic Supply: To fill their "bottomless pit" of need for attention and validation.
- When they need you: Often happens when they feel a void or when you've successfully created distance.
How to respond:
- Recognize the pattern: Understand it's a tactic, not genuine change.
- Don't engage: Resist responding, as any attention fuels the behavior.
- Stay firm: Do not fall for the emotional manipulation.
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